Soon..

I leave to red deer in four days. oh my.

I love Cats

Hummm,

I know I can be a real bitch, but I'm tired of it.

Fight after fight. No more fights.

They aren't worth it.

I want to be loved and give love more than anything else.

I try.

I try and be the patient one.
The one who forgives.

I hate that I am always made out to be the one who cant be trusted.


I'm at the point now it's make or break.

Wowwee!

Okay so, not such a good day.

Cant seem to get along with my *OhIamsoinlovewith* boyfriend.

I think we broke up tonight.
Or at least I think maybe we should..?
As soon as we get away from each other for more than a week all we do is fight.


so uhm.

HM.
I am stumped.

Trying not to let it get me down.
My mother always used to tell me to repeat this to myself (and I suggest it to all of you if you feel down):
"I love myself and I am love"

Yes, you are love.

If I can convince myself of that for more than 5 minutes..so should you.

Slept All Day

Although today is a whole new day for sure.
I really want to spend more time with myself, and learning bout myself.


Today I deleted my facebook.
I was surprised how many people told me they understand.
So why is there so many of us on FB, if we all feel its pressure? Why do people put them selves in that situation??
The website is a big joke to me.


Anyways, I'm having a good day.


Last night was another story though..
I've really got to find a way to get over depression...
But I dont know how..
Every solution I come up with fails.
Maybe go back to meds..? I hate that thought.








I bought some books yesterday:
Conversations with Dali
&
Songs Before Sunrise

The first book I hope is self explanatory.
The second book is a poetry book, published in 1917. I love the style of it. On the hard cover there is engraved acorns. The poems are lovely. <3
I feel less alone when I read.

And Id rather take the time to read with myself than get distracted playing Farmville.

Dream and Its Meanings

I had a very real and uncomfortable dream.

So it starts out as I am leaving the house with my boyfriend Colin and we see a woman out side, trying to pull out of our driveway with my mothers car. I immediately freak out and start yelling at the woman. Coincidently theres a big red SUV blocking our driveway. The woman begins to yell back at us to move the SUV blocking her way. Though shes apparently stealing our car, I don't believe thats what was happening.

If someone steals from you, then someone is trying to encroach on your territory in some way, and perhaps to take full credit for something you've accomplished.

Cars are symbols of the real life conscious world. They are symbols of how you are progressing towards your goals. A car at a standstill could suggest that you are taking a pause or that you have come up against some delay. (But in my case someone else was driving the vehicle.)

But then something clicks in the woman's mind and she jumps out of the car. I jump into the car and back the car up following her. Shes running around like a crazy woman.

Panic in dreams can mean suppressed emotions or anxiety.

It cuts to anther scene and now my boyfriend Colin is taking my little cousins out..I'm supposed to go with them to a class of some sort..but I stay back.

I end up wandering into the womans yard. She has cars sitting around and the grass is really dry...On the face of the front wall there were some small steps going to a basement door. But against the door were two very dirty bikes..and one of them was a bike that was stolen from me this summer! (Haha..I wish I actually found my bike..)

I'm back at my house with the woman in my garage. Shes sitting on the floor, almost acting like a child having a tantrum. Shes scowling and cursing at me, yelling hateful things.

To dream that you or someone is yelling, represents repressed anger that needs to be expressed.

If you are hated for unjust causes, you will find sincere and obliging friends, and your associations will be most pleasant. Otherwise, the dream forebodes ill.

I hear a knock on the garage door. I open it up and there's a big man, almost like a biker. Hes got to be over 6 feet tall, long brown hair, a beard and very strong features. He asks me if I might have the same satellite stereo as him cause his seems to be acting funny and thought our signals were getting mixed. I think I answered by telling him what had just happened with the woman trying to steal our car. So he suggest I call the police and let them handle it. He hands me his phone and I pace my garage and drive way trying to call but the signal keeps getting cut.

Phones symbolise communication or more accurately lack of communication.

Colin and my cousins come back, I figure they forgot something. I remember my little cousin was driving and I begin to ask Colin to drive as that would be a lot safer...So they switch seats and Colin backs out of the driveway and leave.

I turn around again to the man, the phones not working so I try to return it. Just then he grabs my arm with a wicked smirk and tells me he already knows. I start to panic. In my dream I was very careful. This scene took so long...I remember looking around and seeing his truck. It had a hug black wooden box built into the back of his truck. I knew that's where he was going to put me. I started to feel nauseous and thinking of who could help and all the things he could do to me..It was such a sick feeling. He was going to kidnap me.

The main theme in abduction dreams is fear. The dreamer may be afraid of losing a very important part of himself or of losing his safest and most familiar surroundings. Also, the dreamer may be afraid of leaving his home, childhood, familiar support group, or long standing ideas. These type of dreams may be most prevalent during times of psychological or physical transition and during stressful times of life when the future is somewhat uncertain. Superstition based dream interpretation books say that dreaming about being kidnapped is really an omen and that you will receive unexpected news and be successful against your opposition.

I guess I started to scream or something cause my Uncle Jeff showed up and the man grabbing me immediately let go and acted casual.

Side story: Last year my Uncle picked up a hitch hiker in his work truck who seconds later held a gun to my uncles head, while instructing my uncle to take him to a Seven Eleven where he would shoot my uncle, then kill everyone at the Seven Eleven, and then have himself a shoot out with the cops and have himself killed BECAUSE he had just killed his best friend and couldn't live with himself. The man said he had just killed his best friend because he had found out his friend molested a handicapped girl..

My uncle pleaded for his life for the sake of his two daughters who would be left without a father at 7 and 10 years old. Once they arrived at the Seven Eleven the man with the gun made a deal with my Uncle for my little cousins sake: My Uncles life would be spared if he agreed to leave intermediately after the man got out of the vehicle. My uncle agreed. The man left the truck but my uncle didnt leave.

The man with the gun ran to the next nearest vehicle. The man pointed the gun and the young man sitting in the front seat face and told him to get out of the car. The young mans also had his girlfriend in the car. The young mans reaction to a gun to his face was to push it away, but as he did this, the man pulled the trigger and blew a hole through the young mans hand.

My uncle is big man, hes a Hydro Lines man, six foot 2 maybe, with a lot of upper body strength. Not someone to mess with, even though hes the the silliest man Ive ever met.

My uncle heard the gun shot and ran at the man with the gun, knocks him to the ground and repeatedly puched and stomped the mans body... to the point where he said he couldnt even see the mans facial features with his teeth were scattered around his bloody body. My uncle made sure that the man was not walking away from this.

So my uncle held a huge hero image in my mind.

The dream sort of ended there...

But as that dream faded off I had another.

I was in a tree, cutting off branches. It was very brittle and the branches were thin. It was like a dead tree in the winter.

Each branch I broke off, ants would come running out of the stumps. They fell on me and crawled all up my arms.

The tree in your dream is you. The health, size and overall quality of the tree is indicative of how you feel about yourself.

Ants represent small annoyances though the day and general dissatisfaction in life.

Then I woke up.